Life Update

So, I dropped off the face of the earth as you may (or may not) have noticed.

Its the same old story, I freaked out about school, spent a couple weeks in bed, and am now struggling to finish the semester.

But things are looking up at the moment.  I still have some papers to write but it all seems doable.  I’ve also made some solid plans for the future.  I’ve dropped my English major (I’m now an Italian major with an English minor) to graduate sooner.   Assuming I’ve calculated correctly, I should be done with school by this summer.  One more thing that didn’t go according to plan right?

On a happier note, I hosted my first Thanksgiving.  I cooked and baked absolutely everything; I didn’t allow anyone to help.  And I pulled it off, at only 21 I might add.

I’ve also been doing a lot of reading lately, which I don’t usually get to do.  I finished “Room” by Emma Donoghue a few weeks ago, “The Light Between Oceans” by M. L. Stedman about a week later, and I’m now finishing up “The Little Friend” by Donna Tartt.  I might do some book reviews once I’m done with all my work.

I’m hoping you guys will be seeing more of me.  Bye for now.

 

To Tweet or Not to Tweet

I’m alive, but just barely.  I want to apologize for going MIA (as per usual) but I’ve been pretty bad lately.  The semester is coming to a close and I’m just trying to scrape by with the bare minimum.  This isn’t even a proper post but I just felt like I had to reach out and say something or I’m going to explode.

I also have been toying with an idea which I wanted to run past you guys (and by “you guys” I mean whoever happens to stumble across my blog).  I’m thinking twitter might come in handy for times like this, when I don’t have the time or nerves to write a post.  Would I be a total hypocrite?

Please let me know what you think.

I Want To Be Sick

I’m sure this post will disturb (or offend) some of you.  To be honest I’ve never written this or said it out loud because it disturbs me but:

I find something very attractive about being sick.

Maybe it’s because my grandmother had Munchausen and I take after her?  Or maybe I’ve had very good experiences when I was ill?  As a kid it usually meant being babied, waited on, tv, etc.

When I got older, it became an escape.  I quickly realized (by the 7th grade if not earlier) that being sick put an end to all my stress.  It was an excuse no one could argue with.  If I was sick I couldn’t possibly do the hours of homework I’d been assigned right?

But its more than that.  At my most depressed, I would long to be in a hospital, to have an excuse to sleep.  I’ve wished I could be diagnosed with some horrible illness.  It would be easier for people to understand at least.

Maybe it’s because being sick is incredibly “in” at the moment?  Try naming a romance where the heroine doesn’t have cancer.  Or a teen soap where we shouldn’t sympathize with the sick kid.  Not to mention all the charities, inspirational videos and other miscellaneous crap that litters our news feeds.

I can’t be the only one feeling this way?

Honesty Hour

Today I was in the car with my mother, drinking coffee, when she turned to me and asked:

“What did you get in your summer classes in Italy?”

Now I’m sure this is a normal question for most parents to ask their children.  But since my second year at college my mother made it a point to stop asking.  She also forbade my father from doing so.

I responded honestly.

“I got an A in one course and Incomplete in the other which I’m now taking care of.”

She was very happy and was planning on telling my father as soon as she got home.  But she then took a small inhale and was silent.  That usually means she has more to say.

“What is it?”

“Have you gotten a lot of D’s, Jane? I’m worried, I have to ask.”

I turned to face her and realized I had to tell the truth.

“I’ll be honest with you, Mom.  I haven’t gotten any D’s…but I have been racking up the Incompletes.”

She seemed relieved.  And I began to feel guilty immediately.  I’d allowed her to worry without reassuring her, knowing full well everything she else she has to deal with.

“How long do you have to complete them?”

I tried to sound confident when the truth is I have no idea.

“Well, you know, they can change a grade at any point while you’re at school”.

I try not to focus too much on this point but the fact is that I don’t know my deadlines. And I’m too scared to ask.  Maybe its just a matter of when a professor loses patience with me?  I don’t know.  I’m planning on finishing at least one course during winter break and the rest during summer.  But as always, we’ll see.

 

The First Week

Initial thoughts:

Italian opera–  My professor seems to be under the impression that he’s the new Robin Williams, albeit a slightly obnoxious racist version.  He also might be stealing my parents’ money this semester.  There hasn’t been any mention of the assigned readings listed on the syllabus (or any meaningful discussion or lecture) and when I approached him he simply shrugged and told me not to worry about it.

Structure of information-  Unfortunately this satisfies a general university requirement (hooray for state schools) and I sort of have to take it.  I’m hoping it morphs into a social/anthropological discussion since I am interested in the effect of technology on our generation (as you could tell from some of my posts).  About 70% of the course is online and involves a lot of postings and discussions (i.e. nonsense).

English Theories (Poetry)–  The professor and subject matter is bearable but as it is a basic course I might be the only person in there with a pulse.

Italian Senior Seminar– I’m excited to practice speaking on a weekly basis but I’m a bit anxious about the final paper (as usual).  The professor is also really excited about an experimental research symposium but in my experience these things usually end in failure.

I’m also attempting to stay on top of my assignments (doesn’t that sound familiar?) by creating smaller goals and deadlines for myself.  I’ve spoken to my professors who have agreed to work with me and hold me accountable.  I’m thinking maybe less freedom is the key?

New Semester, Same Jane

Classes start tomorrow. I feel as anxious as ever about coursework. And to top it all off I’m still a bit shook up I guess. (Read my last two posts for more on that.)

There’s really no point in making these promises and resolutions I can’t keep. But in the spirit of tradition:

-I will attend classes.

-I will begin my work early and finish it on time.

-I will blog regularly.

-I will exercise.

-I will keep the apartment clean.

Who else is sick of this?

Weekly wrap-up and therapy session

I really didn’t think I would survive this week but its been one of my more productive ones in quite a while.  And for some reason I’ve been dying to post on here.

Firstly, and this is very exciting, I completed an assignment on time.  This hasn’t happened in honestly, about a year.  Granted it wasn’t a full on paper, but it’s still the kind of thing I would have freaked out about.  I also felt slightly unprepared for an exam today but I went anyway.  It actually ended up being not too bad.  And, I made it to my career counseling appointment and have a lead for a part-time and have started my hunt for an internship.

Overall, I’m proud of myself.  But, I can’t ignore the fact that I missed several classes this week, mostly because of my sleep schedule.  I simply can’t fall asleep at night anymore, I’m not sure how much of it is habit and how much is anxiety.  I’d take a sleeping pill except they literally put me out for days.  Maybe cutting it in half?  Anyways I just want more than anything to be one of those regular, normal, ordinary students who can write a paper and go to class.  But baby steps, I suppose.

I also had a rather helpful Skype session with my therapist, who I hadn’t spoken to in quite some time.  We talked mostly about my family and how the chaos going on at home (my mom’s broken ankle and its many repercussions) has actually been really helpful to me.  I feel independent, in control, and capable of handling whatever is thrown at me.

Recently I’ve also come to the realization that, my mother can often be a source of anxiety for me.  This is really difficult, as we are as close as can be and I consider her my absolute best friend. But lately I’ve chosen to put some distance between us.  And by that I mean talking to her once a day instead of four times a day.  The less I talk to her the more easily I can pinpoint the things she says that do in fact make me anxious.  My therapist pointed out that she and I actually spend a lot of our time worrying together.

He also made a rather interesting comment about the nature of my anxiety.  I myself have noticed that since arriving at my new university my anxiety has become less articulated or specific.  It’s no longer the same train of thoughts I had in high school for instance: “If you don’t do well on this paper, you won’t get into a good college, if you don’t get into a good college…”

I’ve given up this type of thinking now that I’m at a state school.  Instead I simply get an anxious feeling whenever there’s a paper to do.  He said my anxiety has now become a “conditioned response”.  While I’m obviously familiar with conditioning the thought had never crossed my mind.  Its comforting to know my anxiety is based on the same principle that has me answering the phone when it rings.