I really didn’t think I would survive this week but its been one of my more productive ones in quite a while. And for some reason I’ve been dying to post on here.
Firstly, and this is very exciting, I completed an assignment on time. This hasn’t happened in honestly, about a year. Granted it wasn’t a full on paper, but it’s still the kind of thing I would have freaked out about. I also felt slightly unprepared for an exam today but I went anyway. It actually ended up being not too bad. And, I made it to my career counseling appointment and have a lead for a part-time and have started my hunt for an internship.
Overall, I’m proud of myself. But, I can’t ignore the fact that I missed several classes this week, mostly because of my sleep schedule. I simply can’t fall asleep at night anymore, I’m not sure how much of it is habit and how much is anxiety. I’d take a sleeping pill except they literally put me out for days. Maybe cutting it in half? Anyways I just want more than anything to be one of those regular, normal, ordinary students who can write a paper and go to class. But baby steps, I suppose.
I also had a rather helpful Skype session with my therapist, who I hadn’t spoken to in quite some time. We talked mostly about my family and how the chaos going on at home (my mom’s broken ankle and its many repercussions) has actually been really helpful to me. I feel independent, in control, and capable of handling whatever is thrown at me.
Recently I’ve also come to the realization that, my mother can often be a source of anxiety for me. This is really difficult, as we are as close as can be and I consider her my absolute best friend. But lately I’ve chosen to put some distance between us. And by that I mean talking to her once a day instead of four times a day. The less I talk to her the more easily I can pinpoint the things she says that do in fact make me anxious. My therapist pointed out that she and I actually spend a lot of our time worrying together.
He also made a rather interesting comment about the nature of my anxiety. I myself have noticed that since arriving at my new university my anxiety has become less articulated or specific. It’s no longer the same train of thoughts I had in high school for instance: “If you don’t do well on this paper, you won’t get into a good college, if you don’t get into a good college…”
I’ve given up this type of thinking now that I’m at a state school. Instead I simply get an anxious feeling whenever there’s a paper to do. He said my anxiety has now become a “conditioned response”. While I’m obviously familiar with conditioning the thought had never crossed my mind. Its comforting to know my anxiety is based on the same principle that has me answering the phone when it rings.