Is my future in the adult film industry?

So as I mentioned in my recent life update, I’ve sped some things up to graduate earlier.  I can’t even tell you how badly I need to get out of academia.  My hair is literally falling out from the stress.

That said, graduation seems like this foggy, allusive goal I’m never going to reach.  Thinking about it is like trying to imagine nothingness.  (Was I the only one who did that as a kid?) I have to concentrate really hard and I feel just the slightest excitement before it slips through my fingers.  I’m probably also terrified but the fears are shapeless.

My brain isn’t having a problem articulating though. I have been having some really interesting dreams lately.  Even for me, and I have some crazy-ass dreams:

-About a month ago I had a dream that I decided to make porn.  And apparently dream-Jane was totally cool and calm about it. I was going to be filming in a van with some guy.  But my mind censored it like a movie.  One second I’m crawling into this van, and the next second its over and I’m climbing out.  Weird.  But then while I’m walking home, I get a phone call.  Its the porn people telling me that I forgot my pet possum in the van.  Why I brought a possum I don’t know but dream-Jane acted like nothing was out of the ordinary.  Sure enough when I got back there, I saw a little possum inside waiting for me.  The dream faded as I walked home carrying it.

-A couple weeks ago I had a dream that I was sent back to the 7th grade.  And once again in my dream this was all standard.  I was sitting in a bathroom stall in my old elementary school in my old uniform cursing myself for doing so badly in college that I got sent back.  Long story short, I walk around the school until someone invites me to go to the kitchen to “watch the ladies who make the cheese”.  I went through this weird Alice in Wonderland kind of door, down a staircase, and there they were.  They even asked me if I wanted to learn how to do it.

-And just the other night I had another porn dream.  This time my mother drove me and we sat in what seemed like a doctor’s office.  A regular middle-aged receptionist then called me up, took the palm of my hand and scanned it.  Dream-Jane knew that the porn company inserted a chip in there.  I then checked a schedule which had my name listed across some guy’s, entered a locker room and that was it.

So what do you guys think of these new career choices?  Porn star? Or cheese maker?

Life Update

So, I dropped off the face of the earth as you may (or may not) have noticed.

Its the same old story, I freaked out about school, spent a couple weeks in bed, and am now struggling to finish the semester.

But things are looking up at the moment.  I still have some papers to write but it all seems doable.  I’ve also made some solid plans for the future.  I’ve dropped my English major (I’m now an Italian major with an English minor) to graduate sooner.   Assuming I’ve calculated correctly, I should be done with school by this summer.  One more thing that didn’t go according to plan right?

On a happier note, I hosted my first Thanksgiving.  I cooked and baked absolutely everything; I didn’t allow anyone to help.  And I pulled it off, at only 21 I might add.

I’ve also been doing a lot of reading lately, which I don’t usually get to do.  I finished “Room” by Emma Donoghue a few weeks ago, “The Light Between Oceans” by M. L. Stedman about a week later, and I’m now finishing up “The Little Friend” by Donna Tartt.  I might do some book reviews once I’m done with all my work.

I’m hoping you guys will be seeing more of me.  Bye for now.

 

Bystanders and the Victim Profile

It’s now college and the bullies still haven’t stopped.

To be fair, it usually happens in my Italian classes and it usually involves the same two people.  We’ll call them Alyssa and Anthony.  Their behavior is so juvenile I feel ridiculous getting upset over it, and even more ridiculous writing about it on here.

But it’s always the same.  Whenever I participate in class, even the most benign comment, causes them to discuss it among themselves, mutter under their breath, giggle, etc.  I can clearly see them and hear them doing it.  I know it’s a silly thing to let bother me but after a while they wear me down.

Today things escalated, however.

After disagreeing with me over a silly comment (whether or not the real Julius Caesar was “manly” and heterosexual) I heard Anthony begin his usual muttering, with the f-word thrown in quite a few times.

And today I’d finally had enough.

I calmly confronted him:

“Is there a problem?  Do you think I can’t hear you muttering under your breath?  Do you think I can’t hear the f-bombs?”

I then observed a rather frightening physical change in him.  He seemed to turn red and began shaking.  He (literally) yelled at me:

“Do you have a problem with me saying f***?  Does it offend you when I say f***?  I’m a 22 year-old man, I can say f*** whenever I want!”

Even more shocking was the professor’s response.  First with a joke:

“Guys, this isn’t therapy.”

Then by reprimanding me:

“Come on.  Don’t.  Not now.”

I was mortified.  And excused myself to use the restroom a few moments later.

At this point in the story, you should know that not only did no one come to my aid, but they all seemed to act as though nothing was out of the ordinary.

Now I hate to get up on my moral high horse but I don’t think I’d ever witness something like this and not speak up, even if it’s just a comment to my neighbor.  By saying nothing you are in fact giving your silent approval for this sort of behavior.  I mean are parents really teaching their kids to just keep their heads down and mind their business?  Even if someone is being verbally harassed (or worse) in front of them?  We hear horrible stories on the news all the time of bystanders watching as someone is beaten or raped.  Is this how that phenomenon begins?

The professor immediately approached me after class as I was visibly upset.  I then waited for everyone to leave before confronting him.

“Why did you allow him to verbally harass me like that?  You scolded me instead and embarrassed me in front of everyone.”

He admitted that he was taken aback by the situation and didn’t know how to respond.

“I just wanted to defuse the situation before he became more violent.  I’ve never seen anything like that in a classroom.  I didn’t handle it the way I should have.  Next time I’ll kick him out.  I’m sorry.”

I immediately reported the incident to the Dean of Students, filed an online report, emailed the professor for documentation and will be going to the police tomorrow to file a report with them.

But I guess the real issue and question in this post is why me?  Why is it always me?  I’ve been a target for bullies since I was 10 years old.  Something about me draws them in, like a moth to a flame.  I’ve even asked therapists if they’ve noticed anything about me that they think might cause it.  And so far everyone draws a blank.

Do any of you guys know what I mean?  Do I fit a certain victim profile?

 

I Want To Be Sick

I’m sure this post will disturb (or offend) some of you.  To be honest I’ve never written this or said it out loud because it disturbs me but:

I find something very attractive about being sick.

Maybe it’s because my grandmother had Munchausen and I take after her?  Or maybe I’ve had very good experiences when I was ill?  As a kid it usually meant being babied, waited on, tv, etc.

When I got older, it became an escape.  I quickly realized (by the 7th grade if not earlier) that being sick put an end to all my stress.  It was an excuse no one could argue with.  If I was sick I couldn’t possibly do the hours of homework I’d been assigned right?

But its more than that.  At my most depressed, I would long to be in a hospital, to have an excuse to sleep.  I’ve wished I could be diagnosed with some horrible illness.  It would be easier for people to understand at least.

Maybe it’s because being sick is incredibly “in” at the moment?  Try naming a romance where the heroine doesn’t have cancer.  Or a teen soap where we shouldn’t sympathize with the sick kid.  Not to mention all the charities, inspirational videos and other miscellaneous crap that litters our news feeds.

I can’t be the only one feeling this way?

James Franco Makes Me Feel Horribly Inadequate

I’m not one to compare myself to people.  In fact, I used to have this running joke with my ex-boyfriend about Adele.  She is only about a year older than him and was already on the radio, at the Oscars, etc.  He wasn’t musical at all, (he was a temperamental “writer” who would lock himself in the guest bedroom to work on  his “screenplays” all day) but the idea of someone his age being so much more accomplished and successful drove him crazy.

But lately, I’ve been feeling the exact same way about a certain actor.  Besides being devastatingly handsome, have you read his Wikipedia page lately?

“He moved to New York to simultaneously attend graduate school at Columbia University’s MFA writing program, New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts for filmmaking, and Brooklyn College for fiction writing, while also attending the low-residency MFA Program for Writers at North Carolina’s Warren Wilson College for poetry.He received his MFA from Columbia in 2010. Franco is a PhD student in English at Yale University[131] and also attended the Rhode Island School of Design.

Not to mention he also writes and paints and God knows what else.

And I know it’s never good to compare yourself to others, especially celebrities.  But lately I can’t help it.  I feel like I should have accomplished so much more by now.  I was so extraordinary as a kid and now look at me.

Please let me know if you feel this way too.

The First Week

Initial thoughts:

Italian opera–  My professor seems to be under the impression that he’s the new Robin Williams, albeit a slightly obnoxious racist version.  He also might be stealing my parents’ money this semester.  There hasn’t been any mention of the assigned readings listed on the syllabus (or any meaningful discussion or lecture) and when I approached him he simply shrugged and told me not to worry about it.

Structure of information-  Unfortunately this satisfies a general university requirement (hooray for state schools) and I sort of have to take it.  I’m hoping it morphs into a social/anthropological discussion since I am interested in the effect of technology on our generation (as you could tell from some of my posts).  About 70% of the course is online and involves a lot of postings and discussions (i.e. nonsense).

English Theories (Poetry)–  The professor and subject matter is bearable but as it is a basic course I might be the only person in there with a pulse.

Italian Senior Seminar– I’m excited to practice speaking on a weekly basis but I’m a bit anxious about the final paper (as usual).  The professor is also really excited about an experimental research symposium but in my experience these things usually end in failure.

I’m also attempting to stay on top of my assignments (doesn’t that sound familiar?) by creating smaller goals and deadlines for myself.  I’ve spoken to my professors who have agreed to work with me and hold me accountable.  I’m thinking maybe less freedom is the key?

Study Abroad Italy: the first four days

The past four days have been one long adrenaline rush.  I alternate between complete awe and anxiety.

The program:  To be completely honest, I’ve been mislead a bit.  Whenever they mentioned the program back home they stressed the fact that we would be living with and interacting daily with the italian students.  Once I arrived however, I found out they will all be leaving within the next week for summer.  They’ll be replaced by students from another tri-state area university.  For that, I could have stayed at the Jersey shore.

My class is also a bit frustrating.  Although I’m in the most advanced course I’m still incredibly bored and feel like i’m being held back.  I know the other students are annoyed with me because I participate too much and all I worry about lately is whether or not everyone hates me.  Today I actually had to have a private cry after the professor scolded me for translating for the other students.  Its elementary school (and high school for that matter) all over again.

The Americans:  I’m with a group of about 30 students, mostly girls.  Besides making incredibly slow progress in italian, they’re all very typical of the state university we attend, subtly catty and always looking for a good time.

The worst might be (lets call her) April however.  For whatever reason, (I barely know her) she has a personal vendetta against me.  She’ll undercut or criticize anything I say, even in the most casual of conversations.  Not to mention she’s one of those “I’m so cool, I just hang out with guys and pretend to lose my lighter to talk to them” kind of girls.  She just tries too hard.

The Italians:  The city is absolutely beautiful, there are no words for the scenery or architecture.  It has this incredible charm I’ve never experienced before.  Everything and everyone moves at this slow pace which I think might be good for me.

While I have met some very nice people, the four girls I live with have to be the sweetest.  They invited us to have coffee with them on the first day and we talked for about an hour.

As far as the men, I’ve come to a very interesting and rather disappointing realization.  Italian men do not find me attractive.  Even if I’m the only one in the group who can communicate with them and hold a conversation, they’ll still go for the dumb blonde who doesn’t understand a word they’re saying (This has happened).  Perhaps the problem is they see I’m neither Italian nor the stereotypical American girl they fantasize about.

Anyways, I hope things improve.  I’ve just taken half a valium to relax after the class I had this morning and hopefully get some sleep (I haven’t in 3 days).  Wish me luck!