To Tweet or Not to Tweet

I’m alive, but just barely.  I want to apologize for going MIA (as per usual) but I’ve been pretty bad lately.  The semester is coming to a close and I’m just trying to scrape by with the bare minimum.  This isn’t even a proper post but I just felt like I had to reach out and say something or I’m going to explode.

I also have been toying with an idea which I wanted to run past you guys (and by “you guys” I mean whoever happens to stumble across my blog).  I’m thinking twitter might come in handy for times like this, when I don’t have the time or nerves to write a post.  Would I be a total hypocrite?

Please let me know what you think.

I Want To Be Sick

I’m sure this post will disturb (or offend) some of you.  To be honest I’ve never written this or said it out loud because it disturbs me but:

I find something very attractive about being sick.

Maybe it’s because my grandmother had Munchausen and I take after her?  Or maybe I’ve had very good experiences when I was ill?  As a kid it usually meant being babied, waited on, tv, etc.

When I got older, it became an escape.  I quickly realized (by the 7th grade if not earlier) that being sick put an end to all my stress.  It was an excuse no one could argue with.  If I was sick I couldn’t possibly do the hours of homework I’d been assigned right?

But its more than that.  At my most depressed, I would long to be in a hospital, to have an excuse to sleep.  I’ve wished I could be diagnosed with some horrible illness.  It would be easier for people to understand at least.

Maybe it’s because being sick is incredibly “in” at the moment?  Try naming a romance where the heroine doesn’t have cancer.  Or a teen soap where we shouldn’t sympathize with the sick kid.  Not to mention all the charities, inspirational videos and other miscellaneous crap that litters our news feeds.

I can’t be the only one feeling this way?

The First Week

Initial thoughts:

Italian opera–  My professor seems to be under the impression that he’s the new Robin Williams, albeit a slightly obnoxious racist version.  He also might be stealing my parents’ money this semester.  There hasn’t been any mention of the assigned readings listed on the syllabus (or any meaningful discussion or lecture) and when I approached him he simply shrugged and told me not to worry about it.

Structure of information-  Unfortunately this satisfies a general university requirement (hooray for state schools) and I sort of have to take it.  I’m hoping it morphs into a social/anthropological discussion since I am interested in the effect of technology on our generation (as you could tell from some of my posts).  About 70% of the course is online and involves a lot of postings and discussions (i.e. nonsense).

English Theories (Poetry)–  The professor and subject matter is bearable but as it is a basic course I might be the only person in there with a pulse.

Italian Senior Seminar– I’m excited to practice speaking on a weekly basis but I’m a bit anxious about the final paper (as usual).  The professor is also really excited about an experimental research symposium but in my experience these things usually end in failure.

I’m also attempting to stay on top of my assignments (doesn’t that sound familiar?) by creating smaller goals and deadlines for myself.  I’ve spoken to my professors who have agreed to work with me and hold me accountable.  I’m thinking maybe less freedom is the key?

Weekly wrap-up and therapy session

I really didn’t think I would survive this week but its been one of my more productive ones in quite a while.  And for some reason I’ve been dying to post on here.

Firstly, and this is very exciting, I completed an assignment on time.  This hasn’t happened in honestly, about a year.  Granted it wasn’t a full on paper, but it’s still the kind of thing I would have freaked out about.  I also felt slightly unprepared for an exam today but I went anyway.  It actually ended up being not too bad.  And, I made it to my career counseling appointment and have a lead for a part-time and have started my hunt for an internship.

Overall, I’m proud of myself.  But, I can’t ignore the fact that I missed several classes this week, mostly because of my sleep schedule.  I simply can’t fall asleep at night anymore, I’m not sure how much of it is habit and how much is anxiety.  I’d take a sleeping pill except they literally put me out for days.  Maybe cutting it in half?  Anyways I just want more than anything to be one of those regular, normal, ordinary students who can write a paper and go to class.  But baby steps, I suppose.

I also had a rather helpful Skype session with my therapist, who I hadn’t spoken to in quite some time.  We talked mostly about my family and how the chaos going on at home (my mom’s broken ankle and its many repercussions) has actually been really helpful to me.  I feel independent, in control, and capable of handling whatever is thrown at me.

Recently I’ve also come to the realization that, my mother can often be a source of anxiety for me.  This is really difficult, as we are as close as can be and I consider her my absolute best friend. But lately I’ve chosen to put some distance between us.  And by that I mean talking to her once a day instead of four times a day.  The less I talk to her the more easily I can pinpoint the things she says that do in fact make me anxious.  My therapist pointed out that she and I actually spend a lot of our time worrying together.

He also made a rather interesting comment about the nature of my anxiety.  I myself have noticed that since arriving at my new university my anxiety has become less articulated or specific.  It’s no longer the same train of thoughts I had in high school for instance: “If you don’t do well on this paper, you won’t get into a good college, if you don’t get into a good college…”

I’ve given up this type of thinking now that I’m at a state school.  Instead I simply get an anxious feeling whenever there’s a paper to do.  He said my anxiety has now become a “conditioned response”.  While I’m obviously familiar with conditioning the thought had never crossed my mind.  Its comforting to know my anxiety is based on the same principle that has me answering the phone when it rings.

Feeling restless and wretched

Let me give you a quick rundown of my weekend so far.  Thursday night was spent in one of those not fully awake therefor can’t get anything done/not able to fall asleep states.

I was however, supposed to accompany Caitlin skiing with the family she babysits for but texted her early Friday morning telling her I couldn’t make it.  She, of course, got mad at me so now I’m feeling guilty about that.  Its true I do have alot of schoolwork this weekend but if I’m being completely honest, I absolutely hate making commitments.  The idea of being obligated to do something makes me incredibly anxious.  Thats probably one of the reasons I’m terrible with my attendance.

The Iranian texted me to hang out Friday, which would have been perfect as I could let off some steam before devoting the rest of the weekend to homework.  But he canceled.

I then decided to take a sleeping pill in an attempt to get some rest and regulate my schedule.  I’ve been feeling exhausted lately but I suppose its all psychological since I have an assignment coming up.  The pill didn’t wear off for 17 hours so I slept in till about 3.

So far I’ve gotten nothing done and the idea of hanging out with the Iranian tonight just isn’t that appealing.  I have this urge to get ready and go out but the same time I want to stay in.   I feel so horribly restless and guilty and useless and lazy all at once.  I feel like the weekend has been a total failure and yet I’m not willing to do what I need to do to salvage it.  All I want to do is tear my hair out.

Anxious Thoughts

Lately, I’ve been experiencing this new, free-floating anxiety.  This general uneasiness that I can’t shake or get to the root of.  I can’t sleep or concentrate and when I do manage to fall asleep I have these strange dreams.  So in an effort to relax a bit tonight I thought I’d list some of the things that might be behind it:

1.  A student was recently found murdered just a couple streets away from me.

2.  My incomplete work from last semester is due May 1st and I have yet to start.

3.  I’m going away with my friend Caitlin this weekend with the family she babysits for.  I know its a silly thing to be anxious about but new situations always worry me.  What do I pack?  What if I need something?  What if I get sick? etc, etc. Plus Caitlin is always a little crazy and she’ll probably try to convince me to hitchhike at 2 in the morning or something.

4.  I have work due the Monday I get back from this trip so I’m anxious about getting it done beforehand.

5.  I’m getting the feeling one of my professors doesn’t care for me.  I don’t want to go into it but I feel really shitty.

6.  I’m back with the Iranian (long story short he made a big effort on Valentine’s Day and I gave him another chance) but we have some issues to work out.

7.  Home is always a source of anxiety lately.  I look forward to tons of housework, and my mother,father, and grandfather (he’s staying with us) driving me crazy.