Sex and Mental Illness (a personal anecdote) Part I

WARNING: The following post is of a sensitive nature, and may offend some readers.

To be honest, even as I’m writing this, I’m unsure if I will ever publish it publicly. Not only am I very private about these matters but also, who gives a crap? But anyway, I think it might make me feel a bit better to get this out there and maybe get some feedback. And after all, it’s a pretty amazing story.

As always, before diving in, we need some background. As you may or may not know, I’m 21 years old, a college student and a virgin. This started out as a choice. While all my friends were having sex in high school, I vowed I wouldn’t subject myself to immature partners or the horrible gossip that always made its way around. And besides no one was worthy of me or my body, right?

By the time college rolled around, this smart choice had turned into a bit of a phobia. While I dated and overall was very healthy in my sexual desires and expression, actual intercourse terrified me. I feared the pain, the emotional repercussions, being left by my partner, and losing my special virgin status.

Then about a year ago, I met someone. We’ll call him Gil. Certainly, not the nicest guy in the world, I gave up on dating him after a few months but couldn’t seem to stay away. He was completely brilliant, beautiful, and experienced in the bedroom (capable of performing for hours). So while I didn’t know much about him, we maintained a “hook up” type relationship for a year on and off. I know, not my proudest moment.

A couple of months ago is when I made, what I considered, my most important decision to date. I would sleep with Gil. It’s the 21st century, I’m mature, knowledgeable about sex, and comfortable with my own body (which is more than I can say for most of the sexually active women I know). I knew he would be an amazing partner and if I didn’t do it now it would probably be years down the road before I would pluck up the courage again.

Now, Gil had been obsessing about my virginity (literally) and badgering me for the past year so when I finally said I was ready he quickly agreed. I was incredibly nervous but admittedly also a bit excited. Little did I know what a bizarre experience it would be.

The minute he walked in, I realized something was wrong. While he would normally stand in my doorway, smile for a moment, then give me a kiss hello, this time he sped-walked in as though he were trying to catch a bus. Even as he kissed me I sensed something was different. I remember asking him if he was alright several times.

Things got even stranger once we undressed. Gil could not maintain an erection, even as I touched him. When he was finally able to achieve one for more than a few seconds, he ejaculated soon after. But naturally, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

But as that special moment approached, the same thing was happening. I felt a burning sensation for about a moment, and it was over yet again. Gil quickly dressed (which was also out of character), leaving me wondering if I was still a virgin. I certainly still felt like one.

(to be continued…)


3 thoughts on “Sex and Mental Illness (a personal anecdote) Part I

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