Like many of you I started my spring semester last week. Since transferring to a public state school I’ve made it a point to lower my expectations. The academics aren’t the best, and my diploma certainly won’t have the same prestige had I stayed at my previous school. But nonetheless I have to graduate and get out.
What is new for me, is this resentment I now feel towards some of my fellow students. Maybe resentment isn’t the right word. I’m not sure, but whenever I hear someone discussing grad school plans, an internship, study abroad, etc, I just want to plug my ears and squeeze my eyes shut.
Yes, it is true that some opportunities are no longer available to me because of the transfer. I certainly won’t be studying abroad and I’m sure it will take me longer than two years to graduate. But is the rest unattainable as well?
I blame my anxiety for a lot of this. I’ve decided I really can’t further my education. I just don’t have the nerves for it. The idea of finishing my undergrad is daunting enough as it is. Which is of course frustrating because I know intellectually I can handle it, but getting assignments done is just impossible.
This got me thinking. Is it possible I just peaked too early? I was considered a gifted student my whole life. Up until I arrived at college I was constantly receiving awards and recognition. Did my anxiety get worse? Yes. But its also possible I gave up when I realized straight A’s weren’t really attainable at such a competitive university.
Since arriving at this new school, I thought I’d done away with my perfectionism. After all, I don’t really care about my grades anymore, so long as I pass. But maybe this is just the other side of the perfectionist coin? Maybe I just don’t see the point in being the best at a place I consider beneath me. Does that make sense?